Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
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MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”