Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
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My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”