*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
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She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
The Sun
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.