*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
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You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
When your man makes a valid point
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Basically, any European coat of arms:
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”