*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
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“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”