*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
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I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”