*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
You Might Also Like
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married