Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.