toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
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BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
My work here is don’t.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ