Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

this is how life feels

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

🐠

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

As a doctor, I can confirm

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist