Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

OH. COME. ON.

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

Go hard or stay average

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.