Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*