Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

OH. COME. ON.

Fat chances are my favorite chances

Getting married soon just need a spouse

Current mood: Potato

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye