Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?