Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’