Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
