Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
