Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame