Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: We have Less

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

When life hands you women, make women laid.

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.