Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
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The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
our love story in four pictures
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?