Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Mood.. 😂
Wanna get rich?
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What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
