Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*