@lovemydogduck
If it screams, it’s not food yet
@daddydoubts
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
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@lovemydogduck
@kelkulus
The Russian version of “How I Met Your Mother” is just a single episode showing a guy browsing a web page.
@LMLMadness
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
@HereComesCunty
My kid wants to be a surgeon, caught her practicing on mummy. I was a bit concerned when she finished the operation and said “and now we’ll cut off another toe, for fun!” but they’ll work that out at medical school right?
@stephenjmolloy
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
@TheNardvark
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
@RepoMan_617
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
@Quartzjixler
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
@princess_snide
Massage Therapist: and now we’ll do the gallbladder move.
-A week later at the dr’s office-
Doc, palpating abdomen: wait… where’s your gallbladder?
Me: I dunno, my therapist moved it.