So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.
There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Me: start a revolution.
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
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*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
It’s great you can perform open-heart surgery, but what I really need is someone who can correctly put tissue paper in a gift bag
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
One day, someone will call me sir without adding “I think we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.