@Sirrruh
So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.
…
There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.
@daddydoubts
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
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@Sirrruh
@psybermonkey
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
@yonewt
It’s great you can perform open-heart surgery, but what I really need is someone who can correctly put tissue paper in a gift bag
@WhaJoTalkinBout
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
@WilliamAder
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
@That_Damn_Duck
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
@osoplain
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
@charliedelta7
One day, someone will call me sir without adding “I think we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”
@Landon8426
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
@kimtopher22
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.