Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Karissajem

Listen up, bagel man. We’ve got a good thing going here so let’s not mess it up by you asking if I want the fat free cream cheese instead.

@fandomkynz

can we normalize asking people how they want to be cared for?

like, i’m a fixer. i know i’m a fixer. when people come to me upset i feel the need to solve the problem they’re having.

but not everyone needs a fixer, sometimes they need a listener or a hugger ya know?

@ClearlyUnwell

If you really love someone never let them out your basement.

@BillMc7

Seems like Hello Kitty should be a brand of condoms.

@markleggett

My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.

@Ygrene

[being murdered]
Me: hey stop for a sec
Murderer: what
Me: just want to say you’re really (finger quotes)…killing it
[murdering intensifies]

@loudmouth_usa

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

@GorillaNipples1

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

@iwearaonesie

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

@daddydoubts

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.