Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
You Might Also Like
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
My wedding will be open casket.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…