Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
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Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30