Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
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Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Scream sneezers need love too.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Steam Forums
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”