Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
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[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I feel it
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck