Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
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if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.