Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
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I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Hmm 🧐
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
forgive me baja for i have blast
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.