Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Please do it!
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice