Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

*pronounces patio like ratio

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.