Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.