Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
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Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.