Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
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Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
You have been warned.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday