Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.