Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
You Might Also Like
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
What a website
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’