Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
You Might Also Like
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
good morning
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery