Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
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The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
set yourself free xox
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
just got my engagement photos
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids