Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

This might be me.
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

lmfao come on

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.