Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
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I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”