Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
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[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school