Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

How to draw a duck

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

You don’t even know

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda