Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

Hang in there buddy

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?

me: hey give that back 🙁

[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for