Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

how DARE

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry