Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
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Life is a suicide mission.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it