Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

every olympics i turn into this guy

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down