[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
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Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Chemical wingman
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.