[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
