Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer