Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

where do you see yourself in five years?

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

I swear some people should be banned from cooking

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise