Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.