Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
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me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’