Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.