Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

Cat or sheep

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

ㅤㅤ

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix

I love twitter

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.