Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

ㅤ

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW