Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
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Welcome to your 40鈥檚. You鈥檒l be mad if a neighbor doesn鈥檛 mow their lawn.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said 拢20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Interviewer: “Your r茅sum茅 says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
he’s doing your taxes
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Last Monday I went to the gym and I鈥檓 proud to report I鈥檓 still en route
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we鈥檇 see so many more doorknobs.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 馃
I鈥檓 thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I鈥檓 done thinking about it.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*