Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
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‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts