Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
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Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
That’s what I call a flat tire
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now