Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
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What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
*launders Kohls cash*
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Cause of death: Zumba
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend