Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
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Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.