Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
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The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
selfie game
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”