Toh the desire to sin is so great ππππ€£π€·π
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As soon as weβre able to go to church again Iβm not going.
what day is it?
Donβt come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
I always sleep naked. I donβt care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
After playing guitar all these years, I thought Iβd give piano a try. But thatβs not an easy instrument to pick up.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didnβt.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh youβre good!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They havenβt let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says heβs going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Vin Dieselβs real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
The pizza delivery guys say βsee you tomorrowβ to everyone, right?
βOH MY GOD YOUβRE A DOG HEY SMELL ME IβM A DOG TOOβ β dogs
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THATβS OK?
Iβm scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just donβt tell my husband.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now Iβm a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know thatβs a guyβ¦right?
*Baby presses βsnoozeβ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser mustβve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, Iβm more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
γ €
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
If corporations are people then thatβs really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Wiccan pigs: Basically weβll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.