Toh the desire to sin is so great ๐๐๐๐คฃ๐คท๐
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You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesnโt really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. ๐๐ ๐ป๐
Wife: Iโm home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongsโฆ
Wife: what did you do?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I donโt think so buddy
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* Itโs just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: Youโre fired.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed โnerdโ at me
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill iโm just here to werk
โYou make me so wet.โ
โ me, to my shower.
INTERVIEWER: whatโs a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isnโt talking to me
JOE: uhโฆExcel
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Iโm here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could useโฆ
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? Iโd like a receipt. For my taxes.
โChildren should eat a variety of colors in their diet!โ
My childrenโs dinner:
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: heโll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
*seductively corrects your posture*
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
If a really late person marries a really early person theyโll produce an on time child. In theory.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddyโฆ
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, โNo.โ
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: Iโve already told you everything you need to know
Laughing far too much ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ
Become ungovernable.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things donโt work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, โDo you like prunes?โ as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, โNo, but I do like datesโ in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesnโt jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Itโs because itโs Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. Thatโs why. What Papa is doing right now is called an โautopsyโ. Stop crying.