Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
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[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
crazy
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head