Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

“Why you watching this shit?”

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

I’m not stressed

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.