toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
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Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
asking santa clause for nudes
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.