toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
You Might Also Like
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me