Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
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Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
tell em, edith-anne
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.