Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
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My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it