Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
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Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Every time.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late