Toilet paper suggests the existence of toilet rock and toilet scissors.

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I took my turtle for a walk. It’s been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway.


Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.


Being possessed would be cool because you could turn your head all the way around to say “wrong hole”


Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!


Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me


DOC: good news is you’ll make it
ME: phew!
DOC: …into the the record book for stupidest way to die
ME: *still vomiting marshmallows*


Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.