@PyJamieParty

Toilet paper suggests the existence of toilet rock and toilet scissors.

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@Tuna_Lover

I took my turtle for a walk. It’s been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway.

@_TeaChap

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

@Sassafrantz

Being possessed would be cool because you could turn your head all the way around to say “wrong hole”

@curlymalloy

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

@CantWaitToNap

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

@notabeanie

DOC: good news is you’ll make it
ME: phew!
DOC: …into the the record book for stupidest way to die
ME: *still vomiting marshmallows*

@JohnLyonTweets

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.