Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
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*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.