Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?