Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.![]()
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Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
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me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Why are bridges so flammable.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
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DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
We decided to have money instead of children.